Hiscock's · Report

Good day, my merry friends. Alas, I cannot say the same for myself, for I dispondent with the recent election results from the Federal hoobaloo that was the change in power. While only a week ago reporting from a knee-deep vantage point of Conservative waters, I am now trending above the deep, chagrin to admit that the entire Avalon is now Tori Spelling blue. 90210, indeed.

In the past few days since the election, Canadian culture has been flipped on its intangible, but quite ethereal head. I have seen no less than 20 various atrocities committed in daylight, the least vulgar of which I will now recount in one of the Report's patented "lists", as we like to call them.

1) I have seen five homosexual marriages destroyed, one under unofficial pressure from the pending new rulers of Canada, another as a protest against this very pressure, two because of mounting bills, debts, and misuse by both parties of the minivan, and one because neither could decide who was Top.

2) I have seen subculture kids get even more involved in politics.

3) The Women's Studies department at MUN has closed for business. (However, an innovative new diploma programme has started up in "Keeping your Fucking Armpits Fucking Shaved".)

4) Andy Wells got less grumpy.

5) Danny Williams has cut his tip from 15% to 10% on his million dollar haircut. Liquid Ice, in response, closed its doors for good.

6) I saw a flamboyently gay man beat a seal pup to death on the war memorial protesting pending increases in military expenditures and unofficial pressure to change unchangeable right to abortion laws. (This is less horrific and more confusing, as succintly noted in the latest PETA press release).

7) Another Dominion opened.

Good gracious me, where does it stop?

It doesn't! I mean, if you discount the fact that the Conservatives have a minority government, the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, the Supreme Court of Canada, the Provinces, the Governer General, public opinion, limited resources as curtailed by a decrease in taxes for the middle class... geez! The Conservatives are going to run roughshod over the whole damn country.

Sometimes I regret voting for the NDP, Peg Norman, and JAck Leyton. Then I remember she's gay so I am being very posi.

Speaking of posi, what good can be derived from the result sof Monday's election? First, there's a bigger NDP block in Parliment. That's pretty good. Second, Belinda Stronack remained, while Pettigrew got the boot, which leaves me 1-0 with my girlfriend on the "Incumbent Hot MP grudge match". Next, it's a minority government, and I like those. Especially when the Bloc Quebecois holds THE BALANCE OF POWER. Whatever the West wants, it runs trhough Quebec. That's the last time I curse those cigarette smoking openminded non-showering grenouilles!

(No, it isn't.)

Anyway, I think most of the analysis can be extrapolated from a comment from my father, a Cardiologist on Lemarchant Road's Doctor's Row: "Healthcare is going to be as shitty as it ever was. I'm just going to get paid better at the end of the day."

Ah, a horrible crisis has been reduced to quaint paradox. Welcome to the new Canada.

First of all, there will be some changes at Hiscock's Report. We will not be Reporting everyday. This should be obvious in the way in which we haven't Reported every day recently. Secondly, the strict conditions upon Reporting will be dropped, we here at Hiscock's Report will post whatever we please whenever we please. Why the changes? Well, we don't want to junk up friends lists with huge ass articles (and we will never lj-cut). Besides, even though we at Hiscock's Report have spent 10 some odd years being told by progressives and conservatives that centrist opinions are worthless, sticking it up their self-righteous asses becomes tiring every day. Besides we have been preoccupied with The Beatles, Angel, a variety of books, and sex, so I can't tell the public what is wrong with them. I am doing what is right with me. For me, I mean.

Encouraging this gentler and kinder emphasis in Hiscock's Report, as heavily advertised: The Heart Felt Tribute to Eric Penny.

To quantify the good that Eric Penny has done is easy. It is above 250 good deeds, with 56 good qualities within that tall and emaciated frame. Quite the life. Now you may think this is boy scout shit, but his presence on Earth has revolutionize the... Earth. He has now gone to Montreal, leaving us St. Johnsers wholly heart broken. So to help you all get over it and get on with your life and stop being cry babies, I will remind you of the good he has done.

First, he plays a lot of good music for a reasonable price, and we all like that. He has neat riffs, an incomparable voice, and a stage presence beyond description. So I won't waste words on it. Blah blah, that's that and if you didn't see it, fuck you, and if you did, you know what I am talking about, and stop expecting me to preach to the converted, I have better things to do.

Second, he has the dignity not only to stand up for his opinions, but to actually create them himself. If you have ever had an opinion, Eric Penny came up with it first, and if he doesn't agree with whatever cockamamie thing you are thinking, that only means it wasn't worthwhile, so get back in line.

Now to the juicy bits.

Eric Penny, Adventurer Extraordinaire


My favorite Eric Penny good deed was one for the entire human race. Remember when he was the first man to walk on the moon? That was awesome. If you don't know the story, here it is from the mouth of Eric Penny himself:

"Well, in the lunar capsule on the Apollo 11 mission... well, I'll tell you things were getting tense. There were three of us there, and we didn't say a goddamned word as we descended to that cool grey surface. We touched down, and we got ready to do what we had to do. Buzz was to go first, and then Neil and then me. We had agreed on it all, months before. Hey, I didn't mind being third, it was the fucking moon, and it was a trip whether you were first or the hundred and first, you know where I coming from? Anyway, old Neil didn't take to Buzz going first kindly. His excuse was that the history books didn't need, and I quote, 'no fucking Buzz, what kind of name is that?'. So Tension was thick. We got into our suits, hell I hated those things (laughter)... Anyway, Neil pushed Buzz out of the way, and ran for the door. Buzz, of course died, and I couldn't let a murderer take the first walk on the moon, so I pushed Neil out of the way, and got out of that lunar capsule. The rest is history."

Quite. Whenever I see that footage of Eric Penny taking the first steps on the moon, a tear comes to my eye. I straight out bawl when I hear that crackly audio of his message to the world as he stepped on the lunar surface: "The moon? No problem, don't worry about it."

Eric Penny, Oil Maverick

Not only did he revolutionize energy consumption on Earth, but he created an entire new continent and race of people to accommodate the increasing energy demands of Western Society. From the ocean floor, he raised the land bridge that connects Africa and Asia. This led to his popular nickname UberMoses. He also brought up the Sahara as an afterthought, although he never put the region to good use. Anyway, he was never able to terraform the new land, and it remains a desert to this day. I'll let Eric speak for himself on how he populated the area.

"We had to choose a hardy folk to live in the desert. Or at least those that are willing to get a leg up in life. So what we did was head over to India. They got this rigid caste system, and people are always willing to do whatever to get out. Now we wanted our own people, so we took the lightest skin hindus we could fine, as not to confuse everybody. These were the Untouchables... and not an Eliot Ness to be found! Now how about that! Jokes aside, they got a bit of power and it went to their heads, subjecting women to all sorts of authority, bizarre social structures reminiscient of the most oppressive medieval regimes... Geez Louise, we had to do something. So we wrote the Koran, and that was that. Unfortunately, they interpret it in such a way, and translated it to their own language, so it's out of my hands... and I think they may have done some fierce editing. As a side note, I wanted to call them the Ahabs, because I really like Moby Dick. But my secretary has bad handwriting, and when she was typing out her notes, it came out as Arabs. Probably my greatest regret..."



Inspirational and transcendent. That's our Eric Penny.

Eric Penny, September 11, 2001, United Eric Penny Stands


While the two previous examples are my favorite good will stories of Eric, he has been subject to plenty of tragedy. Take September 11, 2001, when 19 terrorists hijacked two Eric Pennys and flew them into two more Eric Pennys, completely disrupting The Ericonomy, and forced the United States of Penny to enact the Eric Act, the most liberal abuse of civil liberties the Western World has seen since Eric Penny War II.

Eric Penny remembers that faithful day:

"That sucked, man. Seriously, I was going to beat up Arafat. Turns out he didn't do it, but I didn't know that until after I gave him a good and proper shit kicking. Oh well, it was coming to him, anyway. And I abhore violence. It's just not in my nature. But when my head rammed into myself... Jesus Christ, what a spliting headache. Or should I say combining headache (laughter)."

Indeed, Eric Penny.

Indeed

Good Bye, Eric Penny

Good bye, Eric Penny.

For Hiscock's Report, this has been Andrew J. Hiscock, wiping away the tears with a dirty sock.

Good day, and welcome to today's edition of Hiscock's Report.

Here at the cultural fron tlines that we like to call "University" there is a bizarre phenomenon manifest. Perhaps it stretches back into time, as long as there have been University, Colleges, or any institute the post-sub-adult learns to become a specific widget in the machinery of society. Thus, out wretched prostitute! Because the oldest profession is: Wanker.

Let me clarify my street jargon. Or as we say on the street: let me lay it out for all the squares, daddy-oh.

A wanker is someone who thinks they can do something, or at least inspire to do so, and tell everyone just as much. I coined this term five seconds ago, but it will suffice. Feel free to cut and paste into your favorite word processor and replace every instance of wanker with any of the following: poser, phony, dillusioned individual, or any number of words that are at the tip of my tongue. I prefer wanker, as the masturbatory metaphor is all too literal. That is to say it is not a metaphor. But really, it is. Figuratively.

Now University Wanker is different form, a very specific type. Unlike politicians, lawyers, priests, or pundits, they neither add nor take away from society. He/she is benign, however aggravating they are. So I am not trying to change the world, much in my last piece, where within 10 hours of posting, the ragged body of Magic Johnson was found tarred and feather, hanging from a meat hook in Times Square, New York, NY. And how I breathed a sigh of relief!

The university wanker is benign as the area in which his/her ambitions wish to contribute is useless. That is art. You have seen them around. In fact, you are one. So am I.

For example: I tell all my friends that I am a writer. I go on and on about how it makes me feel "free", and that I am doing something "important" or "worthwhile" with my life. And here I am, but a year later with two books written (unpublished), a dedicated daily blog, and 17 short stories. Just where do I get off!

The first sign of a wanker is a disportionate interest to skill level in any given area. This is especially common in music. I known but one truly good guitarist (his name is Victor Lewis). I know the members of 13 different bands, and twice as many fake bands. Hell, I am in a band myself! Maybe two!

This skill level is compensated for by a supposed creative level that exceeds any and all averages. This creative level is manifest in one's musical taste, and is quantified by albums/artists/genres/record labels disliked. Don't worry about me though, as I hate the Bloc Party, and I am so over No Wave, whatever the hell that was. As for me as a writer, I hate Dan Brown. Yeah, I said it. To the message boards!

This trend is prevalent all over the world. Everywhere you go, there are university kids doing a whole lot of nothing with even less skill, and even less time in which it is all done.

All sorts of art has come out of this paradigm: punk rock, free-form poetry, any and all forms of photography, abstract-expressionalism, cubism, dada, veganism, blogs, quoting song lyrics, one-man off broadway plays, things on late night CBC, post-modernist thought, post-postmodernist thought, post-PC thought, right wing journalism, left wing journalism, no fact journalism, Kurt Vonnegut, punk rock, and punk rock.

The whole issue is summarized by three quotes from everyone's favorite film director (unless you are not an artist):

"How do I move this camera?!?!?"
"How do I work this editing equipment?!?!?!"
"How do I work this keyboard?!?!?!?"

As you can see, this is very tragic. Thus I will ist how to spot someone else (or yourself) falling into this trappings of this disasterous affliction:

1. A white person in Newfoundland, being able to name more hip hop artists than all of El Barrio combined.
2. A white person in Newfoundland knowing where El Barrio is, and how it got's name.
3. A white person in Newfoundland claiming that all the good hip-hop comes from Brooklyn and Staten Island, not El Barrio.
4. Owning more recording devices than machines that cannot produce melody. Or, equilavently, owning more machines that cannot produce melody that can. Or, equilavently, owning more machines that produce melody than the number of scales that person knows.
5. Owning a Mac.
6. Using too many paradoxical statements in everyday speech.
7. Used a Mac before the iPod came out.
8. Went out and bought Final Cut Pro HD
9. Went out and downloaded Final Cut Pro HD, because spent too much money at the Spur and/or cigarettes
10. Finally took down Che Guerrera posters and replaced withown art.
11. Took down own art and replaced by collages.
12. Took down collages and replaced with art by Allan the French man.
13. Really enjoys the company of Neil, the owner of Bar None.
14. So over Neil, the owner of Bar None.
15. Really into Wolf Eyes. I mean REALLY.
16. Debating the musical ramifications of Picasso.
17. Debating the debates over the musical ramificiations.
18. Writing a daily blog about any and all subjects, while being white with access to too much technology, spewing "call 'em as I sees 'em attitude" to friends list across St. John's.

For Hiscock's report, this has been gay rights lobbyist, Andrew Hiscock.

Today being sports day, I want to make this short and sweet, as a tip o' the hat to my Ottawa Senators, whom do likewise to any and all opposition that isn't the Carolina Hurricanes (what now?).

Recognizing that AIDS Day is Dec. 1st, we are going to celebrate AIDS Week at Hiscock's Report, which will start today and end on Sunday, to represent the fact that AIDS cuts things short, and that gay people cut off half the world by excluding the opposite sex.

This Report concerns Magic Johnson.

The Facts

1. Magic Johnson contracted HIV in the wild and weary world of whored out NBA road trip hedonism. Magic was smooth, unlike Kobe, who has to rape people to get laid outside of his marriage. Kobe Bryant is also known to rape his wife.

2. Magic Johnson retired after the 90-91 season, because no one understands AIDS, nor gay men. Not even Magic Johnson.

3. Magic Johnson should be dead by now, but he is incredible rich.

The Pros of Magic Johnson Having AIDS

1. More AIDS research, because Magic Johnson is incredibly rich.

2. Don't hate tha playa, hate the game.

The Cons of Magic Johnson having AIDS

1. Gives false hope to those suffering of AIDS, because he won't die.

2. Mistaken as a role model in the gay and black communities.

3. No sweet finger rolls.

How Magic Johnson is Responsible

1. Encourages real people with real AIDS to contribute to the cause by taken a back seat. Check here for an example.

2. While AIDS is a terrible thing, it is not as prevalent as some other problems, and Magic Johnson gives his attentions to social problems, by passing any and all lobbying for legislation to make life easier. This allows Africa to die of AIDS, thus eradicating World Debt. In a roundabout way.

3. Retiring so as not to participate in questionable hazing rituals for rookies. For more information, please see Kobe Bryant on how these rituals have permanently ruined his life and morals.

4. Sweet chain of movie theatres opened after the release of Tom Hanks picture Philadelphia.

5. Magic Johnson is not a queen fan.

For Hiscock's Report, this has been health and bioethics reporter, Andrew J. Hiscock.

Hey there. Just a short article today. However, expect plenty on this subject in the days to come (every Tuesday, any Tuesday!)

Last evening, Parliment was called and then was dissolved in a vote of non-confidence. This was a motion put forward by the Conservative Leader, Stephen Harper (who is so conservative he refuses the letter V).

This pisses me off so much. Why can't we go the full five years between elections? Is this a make work program for pollsters? It has been little over a year since the last one. And this is the failure of partisan politics.

Personally, I think everyone is to run as an independent, with ideological principles spoken in words, not references to the color of book you are pimping at any given time. First, this allows for intelligent debate and three dimensional politicans. Second, this eradicates issues of Minority Governments.

The fact that we do have partisan politics is the general inability by the populace to embrace complexity. Human narratives, a common concept in hippie faux-science (sociology, anthropology, etc), dictate a simplifying of issues, attributing them to major players, and setting it all on the stage of conflict. Politicians fit into these roles without comment. They are more than willing, if not unable to avoid, fitting into these characters, taken the offensive or defensive based on common paradigms in the story of policy. They abuse these concepts to the detriment of the public.

Quick examples of this: the inability to compromise within the House of Commons during a minority government, the inability to stray from party lines, the calling for elections well before they are due.

This election is the biggest farce going, let me tell you that. First, it was called on the basis that each and every party stands to gain at the expense of the Liberals. If the Gomery Report wasn't around, do you think they would have tabled the non-confidence vote? No way. How does this serve the public? Has this scandal enraged the public so much that we demand an election? No, not really.

See, I could expect this from the Conservatives. They actually don't have opinions worth talking about. Everything is so back water that it can all be taken with a grain of salt. And the Bloc Quebecois is a farce. (Also this brings up another thing I believe. If you are going to have a partisan system, you should not let in a party which will not put up a candidate in every riding in Canada.)

But The NDP? They are totally selling out, simply to gain more seats. They have no intention to actually put up a government, and if they did by some fluke, they wouldn't even know where to start.

Jack Leyton: Hi, Alexa? Yeah, we got a problem.
Alexa McDonough: Yes Jack?
Jack Leyton: We accidentally got a majority government. What do we do now?
Alexa McDonough: Jesus Christ! I don't know!
Jack Leyton: (weeping) I don't wanna be prime minister!!!!

And this is the party I vote for. Gross.

There is nothing to this election. It is a power struggle by people who get paid more than you. If you want my suggestion, you wouldn't vote, or at least vote Liberal. Why not? It's not like this election should be happening.

So in conclusion, this is a sad state of affairs. My recommendations:

1) Eradicate partisan politics, so people can work together instead of ideologies fighting each other.
2) At each election, set the date for the next, with a minimum of 3 years between them. This will avoid convenience elections, and may save us a buck.
3) Illegalize political polling. We work a representative government. Without constant feedback, politicians could have a chance of representing something, instead of playing the numbers. Feedback? The next election.

Or something. I don't know. But I certainly don't want to vote AGAIN. Christ. We can put a man on the moon. Why can't we have a sensible government, or at least a sensible way for that government to operate.

For Hiscock's Report, this has been OP/ED page editor, Andrew Hiscock

First off, how do you do, to any new readers.

This being Sunday and all, what I want to look at is Intelligent Design, or more distinctly, creationism. This is a supposed scientific alternative to evolution by natural selection. Creationism is the belief that God created everything. Intelligent Design takes this further, with its main tenant (one could argue only) is that biology on Earth is so complicated that only someone could have designed it all.

This has been big bucks in the news. In the county of Dover PA, (a quaint little place that I have actually visited) has repealed all thought of Intelligent Design in school by voting out the entire school board that was in favor of it (yay!). However, the state of Kansas has not put Intelligent Design into the state-wide biology program (boo!).

This is not science, pure and simple. It has no predictive power, we can't test it against empirical data, and it yields nothing in terms of theory beyond it, and it is simply not falsifiable. It is a simple statement. Sure you can believe it, but it is pretty useless. Actually it is sort of harmful. It curbs curiosity, investigation, and invests authority into a supreme being about which anyone can hypothesize His/Her intentions. Articles dealing with Intelligent design do more to attack natural selection than to qualify its own facts.

One of their favorite examples is the eye. How can the eye exist randomly? It is so finally tuned that it had to be completed holistically with PURPOSE. Well it does have a purpose, to detect light. Fine. But anyone can look at the plethora of life on earth and their eyes. Not everything develops the eye as we have them. In fact, our specific eyes are rare. You can look at all animals and see a million different eyes, from ours, to those that simply detect the presence or absence of life. The eye didn't appear as it is. It developed. Slowly. Over many animals. For billions of years. The end.

For anyone interested in this pseudo-science, chck out The Intelligent Design Network. Please note that not a single one of its directors is a biologist. The closest thing they have is a nutritional biochemist, and three out of the five are mechanical engineers. HMMMMMM. Design, you say?

Okay, so why is this big news? Is fake science taking over real science?

There is no doubt that this is religious. So I have taken the liberty to go over some stats. A simple analysis, but revealing nonetheless.

I have taken data from this site , and it checks out as legit, so we will go with that. Specifically I am using data from "Largest Denominational Bodies in America".

The list goes as such (and I will add whether or not the church is creationist)

Catholics - 24.5% of America (non-creationist)
Baptist - 16.3% (non-creationist as a rule, however, some strains are creationist)
Methodist - 6.8% (non-creationist but this is muddy. no design, but god created evolution, so they accept it technically)
Lutheran - 4.6% (non-creationist)
Presbyterian - 2.7% (creationist as far as I can tell)
Pentecostal - 2.1% (assumed non-creationist, as I can't find a single word about it)
Anglican - 1.7% (non-creationist)
And now there are a bunch more which we can ignore for the moment.

Now all of his is what I could find. If you want to correct me, please do, and I will make any corrections. Okay, so what do we do with this? In the first four denominations listed, we can say that a majority of Americans are technically not into creationism, already. Add 13.2% of Americans who are fully secular, and a whopping 65% of Americans subscribe to doctrines that allow for evolution in it's current state.

HOLD THE PHONE.

A CBS Poll reveals that 55% of Americans believe in creationism. My brief summary shows that at least 65% of Americans should accept it. Also note that this 55% believe that "God created man in present form". Not even intelligent design. How do we put all this together?

We can say:

1) Creationism is NOT a religious matter. It is presented under the guise of religion by those that are ignorant, an ignorance that is mutually exclusive of religion (perhaps highly correlated, who knows?)

2) That Americans perhaps should teach creationism with evolution (to their own detriment)

3) Americans just don't get it.

So when someone comes along and says that they believe in creationism because of religion, smack them. If someone says that religion is bad because it doesn't support science, smack them as well.

In the looking over the websites to all these big ass religions, you get a handle on how good these things are. I mean, these are kind meaning folk, trying to make sense of everything, skeptical (much like scientists!) but yielding to common sense. It is not religion, it's the people that's the problem. Science and Religion can co-exist, ask us Anglicans (I was raised one, although I am not spiritual).

Now, when it comes to abortion, gay rights, women rights, etc etc etc etc. have at the religions all you want. While mostly sensible when dogma looks at science, they really need to key into to social action. Bunch of big fat jerks.

Oh yeah, and thank god you are Canadian. Or at least non-American. It seems to me that everyone everywhere else sort of gets it. Except them.

For Hiscock's Report, this has been Andrew Hiscock, Editor-In-Chief

Tomorrow on Hiscock's Report: DINOSAURS (with pictures).

Technically, I guess this could have been done on Thursday, which is our alloted day for Music Reports. However, there are two facts that distinguish this band as a local matter: no one should take local artists seriously, and Newfoundland musicians are so uncultured that they cannot make music that should be taken seriously.

Also: I wasn't keen on any other subject today, and The Mudlarks are really good friends of mine. So at least I can table a good article.

A Brief Description of the Band in Question

The Mudlarks are a pseudo-aggressive, faux-dork, much more drunk stoner-rock, with supposed violence and benign threats weaving in and out of music and lyric alike. They have a brand of slow plodding, riff and lick oriented balls-and-walls rock-and-roll. Influences are the norm and easily discernible. Classic Rock enthusiasts need not apply, as those fans tend to be either: a) idiots or b) uncultured swine (may I quote Toy Story). Clause b) implies some sort of culture within the band. Alas, such is not the case. It is immediate, there is no subtlety, and there are no secrets or messages or depth. Power Trio On Booze, is the direct and unavoidable point.

Despite all of this, why is this the most vital, and perhaps most necessary band in St. John's?

For the record, the band is fronted by vocalist, guitarist, and main songwriter Andrew Mast. The he backed by Victor Lewis and Justin Avery, bass and percussion, respectively.

The Importance of Context

My first experience with the Mudlarks was a recording they had just completed. They were mixing it via Richard Ball's computer. The track in question was one of their most requested tunes, "Metropolis". Being familiar with all of the band members' work, I was not surprised with what I heard, and mildly disappointed. In fact, I thought it was shit.

Later that evening, I was treated to the entire catalogue of the Mudlarks. Again, quite shit.

So it was with some trepidation that I attended my first Mudlarks show at Roxxy's. These were some really good friends of mine, and I really wanted to believe in what they did.

I stood front and slightly to the right of center, as they started. I was astounded. The stage presence was over-bearing, their songs were immersive, and the whole experience was quite beyond a show. It bordered on Event and Cataclysm. It was one of the best shows I had seen in my life.

What is this discrepancy between song and performance? The Mudlarks have found the perfect medium in which to channel booze soaked aggression from audience to music and back again. What they do is a statement that is wholly dependent on exactly where, when, and how. Once removed into the confines of dead domestic air space, everything is lost. The Mudlarks are the soundtrack to every night you have spent below Merrymeeting. It is visceral, vulgar, with nothing good to come from any of it, no matter how you spin your night. They are every bathroom, every barstool, every frustration you have ever had.

Lest We Forget

In St. John's, much has been lost. The Mudlarks, while not similar in sound, harken back to something that hasn't been seen since the glory days of the Peepholes. They exude a devil-may-care attitude, putting everything they have into their beers and their performance. The main thing is fun. Not sound quality, not songwriting, and not posturing. The Mudlarks have all of these qualities in abundance, however. But they are all put together under their unique philosophy. This is a M.O. that is not appropriated by other bands, and it baffles the mind why they don't. The Mudlarks, much like the Peepholes have stripped down music to it's most fundamental level. Why it is intense where-did-my-balls-go rock, it is the closest thing to folk music intention in St. John's.

It all stems from main songwriter Andrew Mast and his right hand man, Victor Lewis. By most standards both would be considered ne'er do wells. They come from different backgrounds, and to this day still have different outlooks in life. But they complement each other in a most appreciable way.

First is Andrew Mast. I have no qualms with saying this: he is person who least subscribe to pretense that I have ever met. His views and tastes are based solely on the merit of what he is witnessing at the given moment. And in all of this, I had never seen such a hopeless optimist. He comes from little education and culture, and this lack of reference keeps his perspective uncluttered. He is allowed the rare view of things that appropriates little to no baggage. There is nothing bad in life for Andrew, there are only grays and whites.

On the opposite side is university educated Victor, who tends to pessimism and hopelessness. Now, all is not bad in Victor's life. But in the music of Andrew Mast, is a cathartic release of frustration and failure that comes from high expectation not met. Andrew provides the infrastructure of uncritical gung ho, while Victor is the emotional base for the music's release.

Justin Avery plays the drums well. That's about it, if you don't count his naive enthusiasm, and his unrestrained excitement over any and all things that pique his interest.

Between these three is a chemistry unmatched in St. John's. It is the perfect expression of five dollars spent to sit in a bar and drink over priced beer, only to go home alone to your Che adorned single-bed-and-boxspring-on-the-floor hole in the wall that you share with three buds from your bay.

Some say college aged rock is about fashion and clique and discovering yourself and hempware and all that crap. The Mudlarks remind us what is all about. It is shallow, it is collective, it is tongue in cheek posturing, and wink to the crowd knowing that you are doing something they only wish they had guts to do themselves

For Hiscock's Report this has been Andrew Hiscock, Features Editor.

Tune in tomorrow for a look at the relative presence of creationism in our culture, and whether or not it is something to be worried about.

After a couple ventures into a couple topics, I am still gauging where Hiscock's Report is going. Some didn't like my first article, which I will not defend nor justify at this specific time. And even worse was the second article. A joint lawsuit from Fat Wreck Chords and Dischord is hanging above my head. The case of Chords vs. Hiscock's Report will revolutionize international law, specifically extradition and, more than likely, NAFTA.

At risk of becoming more embroiled in legal trouble, I will take a moment for personal reflection. Keenly aware of the movements of society, it will be a chance to take advantage of a hot topic in the activism racket. This would be Wal-Mart. It has come to the fore-front of hippie thought and whiner culture due to a remarkable film by Robert Greenwald. I have not seen this film, nor do I intend to see it, but I bet moveon.org really enjoys it, because they are predictable.

However, this is about personal reflection. Simply because I don't have any financial statements from Wal-Mart before me, nor would I rightfully understand them. But I do come from a small town that thinks big, perhaps the best place for an outsider to witness what Wal-Mart can do.

The Wal-Mart in Gander occupies space within the Gander Mall, and will continue to do so, until their stand alone building is finished. In fact, that may just be the case. Ever hear "I's Da B'y"? In that, they mention the Loop. Gander is the Loop's hub. So it is no surprise that I was offered this statistic from a hiring manager at Gander's Wal-Mart.

"On the average, 10,000 people walk through those doors everyday."

I don't doubt it.

As a side note, I was never hired, because I had been busted for shoplifting at that very location. BUt this isn't a grudge match, let me tell you.

What I want to do is outline four businesses (or groups thereof) that have been affected directly or indirectly by Wal-Mart in Gander or at least how it's policies have affected the retail procedures across the globe.

Case #1: Scott's Photo

There was once a photographer's store named Scott's Photo. Not a store in which you went to buy things to take pictures. It catered to the hobbyist. It offered professional developing, a wonderful selection of cameras and lens, and it rounded out its offerings with a framing service and a photography service. My first passport photos were taken there.

However, Wal-Mart, with its low over head was able to undercut each and everyone of these services, with the exception of framing. It simply stole away Scott's customers. Some remained loyal, these being the most hardcore of hobbyists. And even then, many wouldn't stay. My father, who is a hardcore photographer, ended up going to Wal-Mart exclusively. He stopped framing his photographs, settling for 3x5s ina quaint and glossed envelope.

When Scott's closed, the owner, Scott Cook, left a sign in his window.

"To all our loyal customers: We are closed for good. You'll have to go to Wal-Mart like everyone else."

He was 34, and just lost his business. It should be noted that while his malice is justified, he was always sort of a cranky man. I wonder what he thinks of digital photography...

Now, the only developing option is Wal-Mart and Dominion. The only place that will sell cameras is Wal-Mart. You can pose for a picture at Wal-Mart too. Fortunately Falk Foto will take your picture, and frame it as well. But he keeps his business afloat by selling scenic photos to tourist publications.

Case #2: The Fraser Mall Businesses

There are two malls in Gander. One is the Gander Mall, in which Wal-Mart resides. The Second is the Fraser Mall, named after noted aviator Captain Douglas Fraser, who flew the first plane into Gander in 1938. Since Wal-Mart has opened the Fraser Mall and the businesses within have suffered, either by direct competition in product, or tearing potential customers from one mall to the other. The following businesses have been affected by Wal-Mart's appearance in Gander:

The Bookworm (relocated)
The Music Shop (closed)
Reitman's (merged with Gander's other franchise, in the Gander Mall)
Athlete's World (closed)
A&W (closed)
Sobey's (closed)
Saan (closed twice, the second time due to company reorganization)
The Needle Nook (relocated to a strip mall, then closed)

I will not list them, as I cannot remember the names, but two non-franchised clothing stores have closed and two souvenir shops have left the Fraser Mall, one closed the other moved to the Gander Mall.

This trend was not apparent until Wal-Mart had moved in. Since my childhood, only two business remain the same under the same management: The Liquor Store and S&P Sports. Congratulations to them for sticking it out. However credit is only due to S&P, rightfully. You know, crown corporation and all.

The Gander Mall has no such record. Unless you include Woolworth's which turned to Woolco, which turned to Wal-Mart.

Case #3: Ultramar

I have worked for Ultramar on and off for six years, so I actually have some numbers to back this particular case up. At the current time, this Ultramar brings in about 3 million dollars a year in revenue. At time it has brought in double this. It is by far and away the busiest gas station in town.

In used to be owned by a Ganderite. Like most franchises, to expand the name. companies license themselves out o individuals, who will take the risk of expansion. Some companies buy these franchises back once the locations prove successful.

Such is the case of Gander Ultramar. It was owned by a fella, but when he decided to retire and sell the station, Ultramar bought it out.

To be honest, I don't know he profit margin of gas. But one assumes it is a good portion of 3 million dollars.

Where is Gander Ultramar? Wal-Mart's parking lot. I'll let you guess when business started booming for Ultramar. And once the mother company bought the location out? You can make estimates on how many millions have left Gander.

Case #4: Betty's

This is the most remote effect of Wal-Mart, but is traceable back to the giant corporation.

There were was a successful bakery in Gander. Betty's. It closed at the dawn of the Superstore Supermarket. This manifested its form in the Gander Market, Dominion's all in one grocery store, which is located just behind Wal-Mart.

This isn't location. Dominion has assimilated Wal-Mart policies. Gigantic stores offering everything, purposely undercutting local competition. It is a stand alone building, moved from it's location in the Gander Mall.

Finally

I have some questions. Now that Wal-Mart is moving, what happens to the Gander Mall businesses?

What about the new street it is on? This is Rowe Ave. Already, the Town of Gander is giving out building permits faster than they can print them. This undeveloped area at the edge of town is being cleared at an incredible rate. I don't care too much about the environmental concerns, it is small stuff inthe scope of the world. But with businesses following like sheep, what happens to Gander's business district? Will two malls sit only half filled? What about Town Square? Is Wal-MArt they creating a dead area in the center of town?

What about the increased space for the new Wal-Mart? More product? Cheaper? Will they be able to employ everyone that will lose their jobs once their businesses close? What are Wal-Mart's benefits packages?And what about all the businesses that have closed which I haven't mentioned? The craft stores, the shoe outlets, the pharmacies, the hardware stores?

Is this successful business practice of a scourge on a small town? That's up to you. And if you need a laundry basket, next time think about going to Riff's or Piper's. At least those companies aren't trying to run everything else into the ground. Or alternatively: not trying to be successful. Apparently.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned tomorrow when in Local Matters, Hiscock's Report takes a look at the Mudlarks: Innovation, or Tried and True Grunge Junkies?

This has been fashion reporter, Andrew Hiscock, reporting for Hiscock's Report.

Good evening and hello. Welcome to Music Day from Hiscock's Report. After some confusion from some readers, I decided to take ahold of something a lot grounded and sensible. With which I will start today's Report with:

After much deliberation, I discovered that I may have been over my head with Music Thursday. I don't particularly like to talk about music. It's painful. And that's stuff I like. So you can imagine how all of us at Hiscock's Report felt when considering doing a few articles about stuff we hate. Like Reggae, Billy Corgan, Bloc Party. You know, real shit stuff.

Then I thought about writing an article about how I love Jesus Christ Superstar... but that could be a Sunday article. Or one that was 34 years too late, letalone the fact that I have only been alive of 24 of them, and been aware of JCS for about... a month.

Another prospective idea came up: "How I can Out-Quote The Girl I am Seeing with Bon Jovi". Despite this mishmash of grammar that is this title, it is a particularly bad topic, whether it is something I enjoy or not.

So I have decided to write about how I don't like music. Tada!

Reason #1

You can't like anything without someone making fun of you. Watch.

Reader: What was he going to say about Bloc Party? I really like them!
Hiscock's Report: YOU'RE FAT!

Reason #2

I don't understand labels. First of all, all of my favorite bands were on major labels, and then I found the internet, so for two weeks, I liked indie bands until they all signed with major labels, which may or may not include Matador. I think in 2001 Matador was a major, but now everything they put out is shit, so they are indie again. How instance I will like Jaga Jazzist and say so. The most obvious response is: "Animal Chin EP was the best thing ever put out on so-and-so label out of Obscure Town, Norway." At least I could have handled "Man! The Norwegian post-fusion jazz scene is so HOT!" Alas. And somewhere you have to fit cred in. I googled DFA records and I am even more confused whether it was cool to like anything from this label than I was before. Ever since LCD Soundsystem actually put out an album everyone has been sitting on the fence. All I know is that Saddle Creek is a no-go, and anything K Records puts out is gold, but Kurt Cobain is still a fuck head for getting a K Records tattoo, but Beck is still hot shit.

Reason #3

Beer is nearly as much as cover.

This depresses me so much.

Reason #4

I'm too fat for tight pants.

Reason #5

Remember when mixtapes were cool? Nowadays the whole point on a mixtape is cannonfodder. The sole goal is to give someone material with which to make fun of you! And it's not even fun, no jokes. Just downright mean. This has ruined the entire concept of "doing things for other people", "sharing", and "good will". Can people be so possesive over musical taste? It's a vague concept at best. Anyway, this is all related to Reason #1, but the whole thing sort of makes me angry.

Reason #6

I have over 381 albums on my computer. This is not particularly bad, but from whatever reason it really depresses me. Maybe it's because I don't have enough time in my life to actually switch up hard copies of all these in and out of CD players. Maybe because I only sort of like all of it.

Reason #7

Gamberg Yahoo News Group

Reason #8

I managed to like Franz Ferdinand's first album with no qualms. Heck, it was totally irony free! And then I got all worked up and the second album was boring. And then, all of a sudden, the first album was boring as well. And why can't The Walkmen put more than one good song on an album, especially when they are so cheap and tempting to buy? And Why did Modest Mouse's latest album have to be so crummy, even when I wanted it to be good so I didn't fall into that elitest vetern fan trap? And why is everything out of Montreal SO GOOD. And why is everything out of New York SO BAD. Unless it's on DFA AND AND AND...

groan...

Reason #9

Billy Corgan is the ugliest dude ever. He should have gone paralyzed after penning the hook to "Today". Instead, he managed to put out 12 more albums, spanning 56 bands, and 350 years worth of studio time. And a poetry book. And he joined Pearl Jam only o be replaced by Rage Against the Machine and that sweet Paul Simon hook in "You Can Call Me Al". I can't believe that reunion album sold more than Revolver and Rubber Soul combined.

Reason #10

Nothing good has been written since Andrew Lloyd Weber wrote the opening riff to Jesus Christ Superstar.

Reason #11

Punk rock, specifically Minor Threat and 13 year olds.

FIN

Well, I guess that's the ground work for Thursdays here at Hiscock's Report. I intend to write something relevant and inspiring next week. Failing that, more on Billy Corgan, or some other 90s idol, depending how I guage response.

Thank You and Godspeed
-Andrew Jeffrey Hiscock, Imbedded War Correspondant

Good evening, and welcome to this evening's report.

Now before you get all feminist on my ass regarding the headline, let me explain myself.

Women are shit at sports.

...

Okay, there's not much explaining behind that, but it's a fact. Not in that every male will be able to best every female. I mean that in terms of the upper echelon of sports, women do not match up to men and this is demonstrated nearly across the board. Olympics, professional sports, amateur sports, etc etc. The question addressed in this inaugural report is why the best women cannot compete against the best men. I've come up with four valid reasons.

Attitude

The average man is raised in such a way that they have a particular attitude towards sporting competition. There are a variety of factors, but the first and foremost is that the average woman does not have the intelligent to grasp the complexities of sport. This is on par with an intelligent chimpanzee. Thus their attitude is rather dismissive of sporting events.

No, that's not true, not at all, but I couldn't resist. No, it is an attitude steming from an encouragement for male children to accept atheletes as role models. The particular attitude that is adopted is a "I can do that!" And it's true. Females are, more often than not, distanced from this. Hero worship not only gives men a greater appreciation for the motions an athlete must perform, but a greater willingness to go through them.

This is easily demonstrated with a clever thought experiment, on par with those of Einstein's. No doubt. Take me, 6'1", 250 pounds of rugged handsomeness and toned muscle (it's true!), and my emaciated, yet fashionable friend Justin Avery. Give us each a football (to my knowledge neither of us can throw a decent spiral), and I will guarantee you that I will be able to throw it properly before him. Why? I have a greater appreciation for football, resulting in a better attitude when approaching the task. Now take skating. My very thin friend will be able to learn a wicked slapshot before myself (my inability to skate notwithstanding), as he grew up idolizing hockey.

Now take Heather, a school chum of mine. She was a baseball fan, and at 24, my fastball still can't touch hers at the age of 13, while at the time we were roughly equal in size. I think it may have been her size that made her folks encourage her into sporting paradigms of role modelry. Or maybe it was her enfeminate brother. We'll never know.

Encouragement

Encouragement takes a more important and direct role. This is direct sexism. Perhaps passive, but nonetheless... Guys are simply encouraged to pursue their atheletic careers. This leads to gym rooms, strategy pow-wows, special treatment by coaches. Women and sports is simply not done, so only men are encouraged. Of course, this isn't always true, as the equality of numbers in the Olympics would show, but in terms of professional competition...

Women are not afforded the same opportunity as men. The end. OR IS IT.

Biology

I know, I know... You think I am going to say that they aren't stronger and all that crap. Which is true, but I should point out that it shouldn't be. Females just don't end up working as hard (on the average), due in large part to the two preceding reasons. Another thing that does inhibit their participation is biological differences (not inferiority, as the statment may imply).

Every professional sport was designed by men over dozens of years. They are designed to take advantage of two things: slim hips and weighted chests. Women are at a disadvantage from the start. Often they overcome this, but on the average... Anyway, I will say this: give women a few dozen years to design a sport that will benefit from their specific biology, and men will get smoked each and every time. It is an inequality in the development of sport. Patriarchal society and all that. Can we design a game in which men and women would be able to participate as equals? I would have doubted it... but it has been done. American Gladiators.

I mean tennis. Women perform as equals to men. Why? It encompasses speed, power, but also dexterity, attention to detail, and subtlety. I will not distinguish between male and female characteristics, as that is foolishness, but I will say that the sport requires a level of each attribute that both men and women can bring to the table, or at least compensate equally with one if they are deficient in another. I think it's a pretty egalitarian sport.

No, Really Women Just Can't Get It

Media. Let's blame it on the media. One hot topic of late is female golfers in the PGA. I like it, I think they can do it, but there is such a fanfare about the whole ordeal, I doubt that women will ever make a cut until it is a common sight to see a woman competing in a PGA event. Probably won't happen. Golf is the sport of bigots. Which makes Tiger Woods more important that Martin Luther King and Gandhi AND their love child.

Surprisingly a less bigoted affair is a woman named Danica Patrick winning rookie of the year in the IRL. She was celebrated by pundits, not ridiculed, unlike other female competitors. Females approaching men sports are not given their due. And if they are, like Danica, they succeed. The only unfortunate thing is that Danica Patrick is incredibly hot, which skewed opinion. While racing fans are not bigotted, they are shallow. But hey it's a start.

And Finally

That joke about chimapzees? I wasn't joking. Dead serious.

No I wasn't. It really was a joke. Women are wicked smart.

Thank you for reading,
- Andrew Jeffrey Hiscock, St. John's Bureau Chief.